Apparently my intertubes are to be plumbed back in today. Why these things always always take in excess of ten 'working' days is absolutely beyond me. Click a mouse, turn me on at the switch for fucks sake.
Anyway, I have a couple of things lurking in draft form which I'll put up when I've been greased up and unleashed later.
Gird yourselves.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Friday, 17 July 2009
Dose of Awesome
Snake bursts after gobbling gator
You must've watched those Attenborough documentaries of yore, and having witnessed a python/boa/big fucking snake consume an entire gazelle -antlers and all- and wander: What's the biggest thing those things can eat before they burst?Now you know the limits of THAT one, anyway.
Update: As Martin informs me, this story is actually just shy of four years old.
Still cool, though.
Let's take another ramble
Sorry for the absence, I am without t'web of late as apparently it takes 7-10 working days to reconnect your broadband at a new address - presumably 'working days' because computers need the weekend off- but hey ho, I can steal the evil intertubes from work instead. Fuck you, taxpayer.
I'm rather enjoying these structureless mind-spooges of late, mainly because there is precious little going on that hasn't already been commented on at length elsewhere, and also because I have all the presence of mind and self-discipline of a meth-addled Doberman with two dicks. So stroll with me:
Jacqui Smith laments her lack of training for the role of home secretary. Indeed, it would seem that a cabinet consisting of teachers, lawyers(bad ones at that) and shop stewards doth not a competent government make. Well bugger me backwards with the business end of a pineapple; who'd've thunk it.
'Tis a shame she did not has this stunning episode of introspection while actually in office, but better late than never. As I've said before, they'll all be fighting each other to service tramps for pennies before the end of next year, anyway.
Meanwhile her colleagues are busily killing servicemen rather than provide them with the kit that they need to survive a mission consisting as it is of increasingly nebulous objectives. The Daily Mash again proves itself to be the only true source of news reporting (and I'm saying this with increasingly less jest) :
Indeed. Soldiers have -and more will have- died because of this government and it's cack-handed management of our armed forces. The army historically has always 'made do' with whatever gash equipment they were handed, but that was normally due to a lack of money for decent kit. This government has somehow managed to spend more money than ever before on the present engagement and still fuck our guys over with inferior or non-existent gear.
That is beyond belief; that is criminally incompetent.
Moving on to something frivolous, here's a random email exchange with my mate Dave:
D:If you were minister of defence wouldn't you move your office from Whitehall to an appropriate citadel? Or perhaps an arsenal?
You could even build your own citadel. I'm guessing it would be black.
SS: Yes, shiny black marble, and I would have traitors hanging in cages along it’s perimeters.
I would also revert to being called Minister of War.
D: Caged traitors, exactly what we need. Reminds me of the Patriarch of Antioch, who whilst his city was under siege had himself lowered over the walls of the city in an iron cage to allow him to taunt the crusaders.
Do you think we could arrange for the citadel to only ever be in the dark/under rain clouds such that sunlight never touches its awesome walls?
SS: Hmm yes, perpetual bleakness. Would also like pointy obelisks around it with lighting arcing everywhere a la Mumm-Ra from Thundercats.
Man, that would rock so hard.
D: Did I tell you I had a weird dream in which you and I were feeding people to tigers. I knew I should feel bad about doing this, but I just couldn't.
SS: Yes, that's a common one; it is a premonition of the coming age of purification.
D: That's alright then.
Was just discussing the colour of one of the engineers' ties. We think it's pink.
Another guy thinks it's purple, but says he might be wrong, because he's so manly he can no longer visualise pink.
---------------------
Incidentally both Dave and I think that this is the funniest thing ever:
C/O the now sadly retired MonkeyFluids
Oh and finally:
Who said the Soviet era was bad for the arts?
Is that what you want Gordon? Cause that's what'll 'appen.
I'm rather enjoying these structureless mind-spooges of late, mainly because there is precious little going on that hasn't already been commented on at length elsewhere, and also because I have all the presence of mind and self-discipline of a meth-addled Doberman with two dicks. So stroll with me:
Jacqui Smith laments her lack of training for the role of home secretary. Indeed, it would seem that a cabinet consisting of teachers, lawyers(bad ones at that) and shop stewards doth not a competent government make. Well bugger me backwards with the business end of a pineapple; who'd've thunk it.
'Tis a shame she did not has this stunning episode of introspection while actually in office, but better late than never. As I've said before, they'll all be fighting each other to service tramps for pennies before the end of next year, anyway.
Meanwhile her colleagues are busily killing servicemen rather than provide them with the kit that they need to survive a mission consisting as it is of increasingly nebulous objectives. The Daily Mash again proves itself to be the only true source of news reporting (and I'm saying this with increasingly less jest) :
"Do we want a state of the art Olympic velodrome so we can maintain our global dominance at riding a bike, or do we want more live soldiers? It's a tricky one isn't it?"
Indeed. Soldiers have -and more will have- died because of this government and it's cack-handed management of our armed forces. The army historically has always 'made do' with whatever gash equipment they were handed, but that was normally due to a lack of money for decent kit. This government has somehow managed to spend more money than ever before on the present engagement and still fuck our guys over with inferior or non-existent gear.
That is beyond belief; that is criminally incompetent.
Moving on to something frivolous, here's a random email exchange with my mate Dave:
D:If you were minister of defence wouldn't you move your office from Whitehall to an appropriate citadel? Or perhaps an arsenal?
You could even build your own citadel. I'm guessing it would be black.
SS: Yes, shiny black marble, and I would have traitors hanging in cages along it’s perimeters.
I would also revert to being called Minister of War.
D: Caged traitors, exactly what we need. Reminds me of the Patriarch of Antioch, who whilst his city was under siege had himself lowered over the walls of the city in an iron cage to allow him to taunt the crusaders.
Do you think we could arrange for the citadel to only ever be in the dark/under rain clouds such that sunlight never touches its awesome walls?
SS: Hmm yes, perpetual bleakness. Would also like pointy obelisks around it with lighting arcing everywhere a la Mumm-Ra from Thundercats.
Man, that would rock so hard.
D: Did I tell you I had a weird dream in which you and I were feeding people to tigers. I knew I should feel bad about doing this, but I just couldn't.
SS: Yes, that's a common one; it is a premonition of the coming age of purification.
D: That's alright then.
Was just discussing the colour of one of the engineers' ties. We think it's pink.
Another guy thinks it's purple, but says he might be wrong, because he's so manly he can no longer visualise pink.
---------------------
Incidentally both Dave and I think that this is the funniest thing ever:
C/O the now sadly retired MonkeyFluidsOh and finally:
Gobble up pineapples
And munch hazel hens-
Your final hours are approaching,
You vicious capitalist!
- Vladimir Mayakovsky
Who said the Soviet era was bad for the arts?
Is that what you want Gordon? Cause that's what'll 'appen.
Friday, 10 July 2009
Mitchell and Webb - Nutritionists
Still busy. Will maybe write something soon.
More importantly, here's teh funneh:
More importantly, here's teh funneh:
Monday, 6 July 2009
This has surely crawled out of Lovecraft's fevered nightmares
Whilst I'm waist-deep in cardboard boxes and garments I'd forgotten I owned, can someone please tell me WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
An abomination of God, yesterday
An abomination of God, yesterdayBehold the Seapig.
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