If you’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to (and my bloated ego likes to think that you have), I have been near constantly distracted. Not that there has been much to distract me from as everything is tedious right now, and I’m trying to wean myself off recycling inflammatory tabloid articles. My intention was from now on to write only if I have something ‘real’ to say….which would explain the hiatus.
Anyway, while watching Charlie Brooker’s Newswipe I have discovered Doug Stanhope –who I’m hoping will find this while ego-googling his name (which he says he does) so I can tell him just how unproductive he has made me. Here’s a clip in case you haven’t had the pleasure:
You can see the rest of the Stanhope-bits from Newswipe here.
I've been listening to his work all week, some of which I've bought and some of which I've grabbed from the ether. For these last I intend to catch up with Doug at some point and personally put the money in his hand or behind the bar because he is the funniest and most brilliantly offensive guy I've heard in an age. Also, politically I've never heard a comic who resonated with me personally as much as this guy.
So this week I was listening to his stage shows while fixing the iPod-chewing neutron polariser (posts passim), and was consequently found flailing about the lab laughing holding a heat gun in one hand and a scalpel in the other, narrowly avoiding seriously harming myself, only to open my hand up on a piece of exposed encoder tape. I was still giggling like a tool, though.
Later I went for a run, as part of my ongoing effort to get my sorry office-bound self back into some kind of shape, and popped out for a 5K’er around the Ridgeway outside work. So off I yomped around the Oxfordshire countryside, Stanhope in my headphones, occasionally alarming passing dog-walkers with random deranged laughter.
It gets dark, I get a bit less sure of my sense of direction, there are trees, I’m pissing myself laughing. I’m listening to this part of his sketch:
I’m intermittently laughing out loud, and totally losing track of where I am in the gloom. The footing is unsure and I stumble down some dirt track or other and end up by the boundaries of UKAEA Harwell. Now this is the only landmark I’m familiar with and visibility is about 4 feet in front of me, so I decide to follow the perimeter in order to find a main road.
Problem is, the track next to the fence is churned up by whatever 4x4 used it last and the recent rainfall has made the footing ludicrous, so I’m clinging to the fence and working my way around. Eventually I manage to get my footing and carry on unsteadily.
Meanwhile Doug gets to his punch line:
"That's what I need - I need a forty four holed, two-headed baby girl. Because that's the only way I can come."
I totally lose it, I slip in the mud, veer off the track, stumble down through the trees and crash, grasping into the fence, laughing all the while – just in time to scare the living fuck out of a patrolling constable on the other side.
Before he gets a chance to compose himself, I squelch off into the wilderness, still tittering.
So the takeaway lesson is: Listen to Doug Stanhope and buy his shit, because he’ll harm you and possibly get you arrested as a terrorist.
Oh and as an aside, the remainder of my home time has been taken up playing Mass Effect 2 on the Xbox. Now for those of you who don’t ‘get’ the whole video game thing, the reason I’m willing to spend 40-odd hours playing a game is for moments like this: